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Cheating in football takes place both on and off the field. On the field, of course, a player can take a dive to deceive the referee into awarding a penalty. And far from being frowned upon, this is now almost officially approved of.

Only this week on Match of the Day – the flagship football programme of the national public service broadcaster – a Middlesbrough forward was criticised for not cheating a penalty when the chance presented itself. "He could have been a bit clever there," said Alan Hansen, prompting an alarmed Gary Lineker to hurriedly praise the player's honesty and head off a BBC scandal that would have pushed Queenie-huff-gate and Phone-in-rip-off-gate firmly into the shade.

And if the powers that be are too weak to punish cheating on the field of play, they seem similarly unwilling or unable to deal properly with dishonesty off the pitch. Whoever said cheats never prosper reckoned without the football authorities' cowardice in declining to take firm measures against clubs who have blown on the windy side of the law – or whose approach to accountancy has been a little too creative.

Just as some Chesterfield fans refer lamely to a nearby rival as "Mans-failed", some other supporters have rechristened the Derbyshire side "Cheaterfield". This refers to the 2001 inquiry into irregularities at Saltergate surrounding transfer fees, payments to players and the reporting of attendance figures. (It's just a coincidence that Nicky Law was in charge at the time; by the time he arrived at Grimsby there were hardly any transfer fees, payments to players and attendances left to misreport.)

The Football League fined Chesterfield a crippling £20,000 and docked them a whole nine points – just enough to make sure they still got promoted. A year later Boston United's points deduction for similar misdemeanours was carried over to the following season – which made sure they still got promoted. And by the time the FA got round to punishing West Ham for the Tevez thing last season, they said it was too late to deduct points (it would have been "unfair on their fans", apparently: never mind about Watford's, Charlton's and Sheffield United's). So they stayed in the Premier League and will receive around £45m in TV money this season alone. I'd say that's fairly prosperous, wouldn't you?

And the last time Town visited Saltergate, in March 2004, Chesterfield won two penalties by "being a bit clever" and stole a 4-4 draw. At the end of the season they finished one point ahead of Town – staying up in the third division at our expense.

Many a Grimbarian, then, has already concluded that the spire at St Mary's and All Saints church isn't the only thing that's crooked around those parts. Still, at least Alan Hansen would approve.

Labels: bbc, boston, cheating, chesterfield, corruption, diving, hansen, law, lineker, match of the day, west ham

Much of our attention has focused recently on the BBC, following a widely observed and very bitter disagreement with the most powerful unelected figure in British public life. OK, so one or two people have been talking about that business with the Queen instead, but most of us are just riveted to the Corporation's almighty row with John Fenty.

The Town chairman has been criticised by some for failing to agree commentary rights with Radio Humberside and tying up an alternative deal with Compass FM. One issue is the geographical reach of these two broadcasters. Humberside can be heard as far north and west as the Yorkshire Moors and as far south as the Wash, while some listeners insist that the Compass FM signal begins to lose a bit of its oomph once you get past Scartho Baths.

Another concern is that, with Town and the BBC at loggerheads, the minimal radio coverage will be matched by a television blackout – or black-and-white-out, if you will. Look North's new Monday sports round-up is pointedly ignoring the Mariners, and Mr Fenty is prevented by Football League rules from signing the lucrative Compass-style breakaway deals that are presumably on the table from Sky TV, Setanta and the local cable operation on channel 8,319 run by two teenagers in a shed with a 60-watt bulb and a nearly-new cameraphone.

But the critics forget that we Grimbarians like things to be on a small, local scale. Grimsby and Cleethorpes are like a village: there may be 120,000 people living here but my mum still bumps into someone she knows every time she does the shopping, and when I was little most of our holidays were taken on the Humberston Fitties.

Furthermore, if the club goes unnoticed by any media beyond the end of the road, the rest of the world will never know we're here, and then they can't take the mickey out of us and make lame fish jokes and stuff.

And, best of all, by keeping everything local, Mr Fenty could create the basis for a 'Grimsby nation' along the lines of the 'Geordie nation' promised by Sir John Hall at Newcastle United. True, the Magpies didn't quite field a team of 11 local lads or get their own elected regional assembly – they signed Faustino Asprilla and chucked away the league title instead – but I'm never prouder to support Town than when I log on to Mariners World and hear Danny North's broad Grimsby accent.

Then, finally, North East Lincolnshire Council could declare independence from the UK, and install Julie Peasgood or Patricia Hodge as queen. That way, there'd be no more royal rows with the BBC and John McDermott might get that knighthood at last.

Labels: bbc, broadcasting, compass fm, fentydome, media, newcastle, north, parochialism, radio, smalltown