24 hours from Pyewipe

As we saw in this column last week, Town have a longer history than many other football clubs, but it is mostly a history of losing. In 130 years of existence the Mariners have never reached a major cup final or won the league championship. We've been relegated more times than every other professional club in England except Notts County, and they had a 16-year head start. But on the bright side, we are probably the only club whose fans sing the theme music from the Laurel and Hardy films when a group of police officers walk past.

True, this may come as scant consolation when we're losing 8-1 at Hartlepool, or when Blundell Park has prematurely emptied to the extent that when the final whistle blows there are more people on the pitch than fans left in the stands.

But before Town played at Chesterfield last month, when the Derbyshire constabulary entered the pub and looked on in sheer bafflement as a load of Grimbarians started going "deh-di-der, deh-di-der, deddle-er-der, deddle-er-der", it struck me what a fine thing it is that we have these little quirks to set us apart from all the other clubs.

So as Chesterfield arrive for the return fixture tomorrow, and probably beat us now that Jack Lester's back in the side, I've been thinking of some other things that make us unique.

Probably the best known of these is now history – that pub quiz standard about "the only team that never plays at home". Grimsby Town, but they play in Cleethorpes, see? Amazing. Then it got ruined in 2001 when Rushden & Diamonds joined the Football League, because they play in Irthlingborough. They were relegated back out of the league in 2006, but by that time Bolton Wanderers had built themselves a new ground about 12 miles outside Bolton, hence stuffing up a key aspect of Mariners uniqueness forever.

But GTFC still hold the record for the largest ever attendance at Old Trafford: 76,962 for the FA Cup semi-final against Wolves in 1939. Town have been holders of the League Group Cup for an amazing 26 years – as it has never been contested again since we won the trophy in 1982. And we're the only set of fans to have become famous for waving inflatable fish.

It's not all good stuff, though, as Town are also the only club to have sacked their most successful manager ever for drawing away at Portsmouth in the second game of the season. We all know what followed Alan Buckley's dismissal in 2000. So next time the police walk past and the Laurel and Hardy tune starts up, remember all the crimes of the Mariners' bigwigs – and how they always land us in another fine mess.

Labels: bolton, buckley, chesterfield, distinctiveness, fa cup, identity, laurel and hardy, league group cup, losing, notts county, police, records, rushden, uniqueness, wolves

Cheating in football takes place both on and off the field. On the field, of course, a player can take a dive to deceive the referee into awarding a penalty. And far from being frowned upon, this is now almost officially approved of.

Only this week on Match of the Day – the flagship football programme of the national public service broadcaster – a Middlesbrough forward was criticised for not cheating a penalty when the chance presented itself. "He could have been a bit clever there," said Alan Hansen, prompting an alarmed Gary Lineker to hurriedly praise the player's honesty and head off a BBC scandal that would have pushed Queenie-huff-gate and Phone-in-rip-off-gate firmly into the shade.

And if the powers that be are too weak to punish cheating on the field of play, they seem similarly unwilling or unable to deal properly with dishonesty off the pitch. Whoever said cheats never prosper reckoned without the football authorities' cowardice in declining to take firm measures against clubs who have blown on the windy side of the law – or whose approach to accountancy has been a little too creative.

Just as some Chesterfield fans refer lamely to a nearby rival as "Mans-failed", some other supporters have rechristened the Derbyshire side "Cheaterfield". This refers to the 2001 inquiry into irregularities at Saltergate surrounding transfer fees, payments to players and the reporting of attendance figures. (It's just a coincidence that Nicky Law was in charge at the time; by the time he arrived at Grimsby there were hardly any transfer fees, payments to players and attendances left to misreport.)

The Football League fined Chesterfield a crippling £20,000 and docked them a whole nine points – just enough to make sure they still got promoted. A year later Boston United's points deduction for similar misdemeanours was carried over to the following season – which made sure they still got promoted. And by the time the FA got round to punishing West Ham for the Tevez thing last season, they said it was too late to deduct points (it would have been "unfair on their fans", apparently: never mind about Watford's, Charlton's and Sheffield United's). So they stayed in the Premier League and will receive around £45m in TV money this season alone. I'd say that's fairly prosperous, wouldn't you?

And the last time Town visited Saltergate, in March 2004, Chesterfield won two penalties by "being a bit clever" and stole a 4-4 draw. At the end of the season they finished one point ahead of Town – staying up in the third division at our expense.

Many a Grimbarian, then, has already concluded that the spire at St Mary's and All Saints church isn't the only thing that's crooked around those parts. Still, at least Alan Hansen would approve.

Labels: bbc, boston, cheating, chesterfield, corruption, diving, hansen, law, lineker, match of the day, west ham