Friday, 15 February 2008
Football's just a branch of science
The laws of football, you would expect, are the chief set of principles that guide events at Blundell Park – closely followed these days by the laws of finance and of economics. But all these systems are overwhelmed by the most powerful laws of all: the laws of physics.
If you break a law of physics the results can be catastrophic. You might turn everything to grey goo. You might unleash a devastating wave of destruction as the fabric of the Universe collapses in on itself. Or, worst of all, you might stuff up your bid for promotion out of the fourth division.
One of the best-known laws of physics concerns momentum. Momentum is defined as the product of mass and velocity. This means the heavier something is, the longer it will keep moving. But Town's 2006 play-off campaign ended in disaster at Cardiff as this law of physics was flagrantly contravened every week by Tony Crane.
Momentum also means that large objects need more of a push to get going, but once they've started there's no stopping them. Gary Jones, you may have noticed, doesn't tend to score many goals in the first two or three months of the season, while his form from about December onwards is invariably fantastic.
Earlier in this decade, and for much of the 1990s, it was the momentum created by previous upward motion through the Football League that sustained the Mariners as a second division club. In 2003 and 2004, as Town plummeted two divisions to a level more suited to our modest degree of support, we discovered the dangerous consequences of attempting to defy gravity.
Another important concept in physics is Brownian motion. This is the principle whereby a group of particles move at high speeds in random directions and frequently collide, resulting in chaos. Real-life examples include specks of pollen on the surface of a liquid, traders on the stock market, and Town's back four in the first three months of this season.
And while some have accused Jason Crowe, Martin Gritton and Stuart Campbell of being lazy players, they were simply following the laws of physics: in their case, the law of the conservation of energy.
Finally, there is quantum physics – the study of all those really tiny little things and how they act really weirdly (do stop me if I'm getting too technical). Quantum scientists have recently discovered that the form of some bodies actually changes if you study them too closely.
So you feel the urge for a 'P' word in the weeks ahead, don't think about play-offs and don't think about promotion, because the form of the bodies on Blundell Park will change if you study it too closely. Think about physics instead.
If you break a law of physics the results can be catastrophic. You might turn everything to grey goo. You might unleash a devastating wave of destruction as the fabric of the Universe collapses in on itself. Or, worst of all, you might stuff up your bid for promotion out of the fourth division.
One of the best-known laws of physics concerns momentum. Momentum is defined as the product of mass and velocity. This means the heavier something is, the longer it will keep moving. But Town's 2006 play-off campaign ended in disaster at Cardiff as this law of physics was flagrantly contravened every week by Tony Crane.
Momentum also means that large objects need more of a push to get going, but once they've started there's no stopping them. Gary Jones, you may have noticed, doesn't tend to score many goals in the first two or three months of the season, while his form from about December onwards is invariably fantastic.
Earlier in this decade, and for much of the 1990s, it was the momentum created by previous upward motion through the Football League that sustained the Mariners as a second division club. In 2003 and 2004, as Town plummeted two divisions to a level more suited to our modest degree of support, we discovered the dangerous consequences of attempting to defy gravity.
Another important concept in physics is Brownian motion. This is the principle whereby a group of particles move at high speeds in random directions and frequently collide, resulting in chaos. Real-life examples include specks of pollen on the surface of a liquid, traders on the stock market, and Town's back four in the first three months of this season.
And while some have accused Jason Crowe, Martin Gritton and Stuart Campbell of being lazy players, they were simply following the laws of physics: in their case, the law of the conservation of energy.
Finally, there is quantum physics – the study of all those really tiny little things and how they act really weirdly (do stop me if I'm getting too technical). Quantum scientists have recently discovered that the form of some bodies actually changes if you study them too closely.
So you feel the urge for a 'P' word in the weeks ahead, don't think about play-offs and don't think about promotion, because the form of the bodies on Blundell Park will change if you study it too closely. Think about physics instead.
Labels: campbell, crane, crowe, failure, gritton, jones, laws, physics, play-offs, promotion, relegation, rules, science
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