24 hours from Pyewipe

We do things our own way in Grimsby. We have our own cuisine, which steadfastly excludes garlic, spices and other "foreign muck". We have our own language, as any visitor will know who has been told "giz a pag – I'm playing togger down the Ploggers". We have our own system of government, in which nimbyocracy has been replaced by Fentyism.

And just as our communication becomes suddenly less effective when we go to another town and ask at the bar for a pint of diesel, so some of the finest footballers in Mariners shirts have failed spectacularly to fit in when they have moved on to other clubs.

Tomorrow's visitors to Blundell Park are Wrexham, who supplied one of Alan Buckley's best signings when Shaun Cunnington arrived from the Racecourse Ground in 1988. Cunnington formed a powerful midfield partnership with John Cockerill, and after five years with Town was prized away by Sunderland for £650,000 – where he managed 60-odd games in three seasons and was voted by readers of A Love Supreme fanzine into the club's "all-time misfits XI".

Much of Cunnington's career post-GTFC was spoiled by injury – but the same can't be said of another his replacement in Town's midfield, Paul Groves. Despite scoring five times in only 30 starts for West Brom, Groves was never accepted at the Hawthorns, and his signing seemed a key factor in Buckley's sacking a few months later.

Groves was a huge success back at BP, but struggled again after leaving for a second time. "Weird how the names Donovan and Groves can evoke wistful longing for better times in some fans," a York fan told me recently, "whereas they strike fear into the heart of me in recalling probably the worst City team I've seen."

Kevin Donovan had a hard time at Barnsley too, where fans rated him one of the club's worst ever signings. Speaking of players who did a turn at Oakwell, Peter Handyside looked a Scottish international in waiting while a Mariner; three years after leaving us he was playing – while still aged only 30 – for Northwich Victoria.

At this point I would mention Darren Barnard, who left the Mariners on a Bosman when we were relegated in 2004 because he didn't want to play in the fourth division – and ended up having to join Aldershot in the Conference. But he wasn't much cop when he played for us.

So if non-Grimbarians look at us blankly when we tell them we're taking our grufty cloves to the bagwash, it's clearly their fault for not speaking English properly. And if Everton think they were robbed blind when they paid us £1.75m for John Oster, well, it's not our fault if other teams don't know the right way to play football.

Labels: aldershot, barnard, barnsley, buckley, cockerill, cunnington, donovan, everton, groves, handyside, northwich, oster, parochialism, smalltown, sunderland, transfers, west brom, wrexham

Much of our attention has focused recently on the BBC, following a widely observed and very bitter disagreement with the most powerful unelected figure in British public life. OK, so one or two people have been talking about that business with the Queen instead, but most of us are just riveted to the Corporation's almighty row with John Fenty.

The Town chairman has been criticised by some for failing to agree commentary rights with Radio Humberside and tying up an alternative deal with Compass FM. One issue is the geographical reach of these two broadcasters. Humberside can be heard as far north and west as the Yorkshire Moors and as far south as the Wash, while some listeners insist that the Compass FM signal begins to lose a bit of its oomph once you get past Scartho Baths.

Another concern is that, with Town and the BBC at loggerheads, the minimal radio coverage will be matched by a television blackout – or black-and-white-out, if you will. Look North's new Monday sports round-up is pointedly ignoring the Mariners, and Mr Fenty is prevented by Football League rules from signing the lucrative Compass-style breakaway deals that are presumably on the table from Sky TV, Setanta and the local cable operation on channel 8,319 run by two teenagers in a shed with a 60-watt bulb and a nearly-new cameraphone.

But the critics forget that we Grimbarians like things to be on a small, local scale. Grimsby and Cleethorpes are like a village: there may be 120,000 people living here but my mum still bumps into someone she knows every time she does the shopping, and when I was little most of our holidays were taken on the Humberston Fitties.

Furthermore, if the club goes unnoticed by any media beyond the end of the road, the rest of the world will never know we're here, and then they can't take the mickey out of us and make lame fish jokes and stuff.

And, best of all, by keeping everything local, Mr Fenty could create the basis for a 'Grimsby nation' along the lines of the 'Geordie nation' promised by Sir John Hall at Newcastle United. True, the Magpies didn't quite field a team of 11 local lads or get their own elected regional assembly – they signed Faustino Asprilla and chucked away the league title instead – but I'm never prouder to support Town than when I log on to Mariners World and hear Danny North's broad Grimsby accent.

Then, finally, North East Lincolnshire Council could declare independence from the UK, and install Julie Peasgood or Patricia Hodge as queen. That way, there'd be no more royal rows with the BBC and John McDermott might get that knighthood at last.

Labels: bbc, broadcasting, compass fm, fentydome, media, newcastle, north, parochialism, radio, smalltown