Friday, 8 February 2008
130 years of failure and inflatables
As we saw in this column last week, Town have a longer history than many other football clubs, but it is mostly a history of losing. In 130 years of existence the Mariners have never reached a major cup final or won the league championship. We've been relegated more times than every other professional club in England except Notts County, and they had a 16-year head start. But on the bright side, we are probably the only club whose fans sing the theme music from the Laurel and Hardy films when a group of police officers walk past.
True, this may come as scant consolation when we're losing 8-1 at Hartlepool, or when Blundell Park has prematurely emptied to the extent that when the final whistle blows there are more people on the pitch than fans left in the stands.
But before Town played at Chesterfield last month, when the Derbyshire constabulary entered the pub and looked on in sheer bafflement as a load of Grimbarians started going "deh-di-der, deh-di-der, deddle-er-der, deddle-er-der", it struck me what a fine thing it is that we have these little quirks to set us apart from all the other clubs.
So as Chesterfield arrive for the return fixture tomorrow, and probably beat us now that Jack Lester's back in the side, I've been thinking of some other things that make us unique.
Probably the best known of these is now history – that pub quiz standard about "the only team that never plays at home". Grimsby Town, but they play in Cleethorpes, see? Amazing. Then it got ruined in 2001 when Rushden & Diamonds joined the Football League, because they play in Irthlingborough. They were relegated back out of the league in 2006, but by that time Bolton Wanderers had built themselves a new ground about 12 miles outside Bolton, hence stuffing up a key aspect of Mariners uniqueness forever.
But GTFC still hold the record for the largest ever attendance at Old Trafford: 76,962 for the FA Cup semi-final against Wolves in 1939. Town have been holders of the League Group Cup for an amazing 26 years – as it has never been contested again since we won the trophy in 1982. And we're the only set of fans to have become famous for waving inflatable fish.
It's not all good stuff, though, as Town are also the only club to have sacked their most successful manager ever for drawing away at Portsmouth in the second game of the season. We all know what followed Alan Buckley's dismissal in 2000. So next time the police walk past and the Laurel and Hardy tune starts up, remember all the crimes of the Mariners' bigwigs – and how they always land us in another fine mess.
True, this may come as scant consolation when we're losing 8-1 at Hartlepool, or when Blundell Park has prematurely emptied to the extent that when the final whistle blows there are more people on the pitch than fans left in the stands.
But before Town played at Chesterfield last month, when the Derbyshire constabulary entered the pub and looked on in sheer bafflement as a load of Grimbarians started going "deh-di-der, deh-di-der, deddle-er-der, deddle-er-der", it struck me what a fine thing it is that we have these little quirks to set us apart from all the other clubs.
So as Chesterfield arrive for the return fixture tomorrow, and probably beat us now that Jack Lester's back in the side, I've been thinking of some other things that make us unique.
Probably the best known of these is now history – that pub quiz standard about "the only team that never plays at home". Grimsby Town, but they play in Cleethorpes, see? Amazing. Then it got ruined in 2001 when Rushden & Diamonds joined the Football League, because they play in Irthlingborough. They were relegated back out of the league in 2006, but by that time Bolton Wanderers had built themselves a new ground about 12 miles outside Bolton, hence stuffing up a key aspect of Mariners uniqueness forever.
But GTFC still hold the record for the largest ever attendance at Old Trafford: 76,962 for the FA Cup semi-final against Wolves in 1939. Town have been holders of the League Group Cup for an amazing 26 years – as it has never been contested again since we won the trophy in 1982. And we're the only set of fans to have become famous for waving inflatable fish.
It's not all good stuff, though, as Town are also the only club to have sacked their most successful manager ever for drawing away at Portsmouth in the second game of the season. We all know what followed Alan Buckley's dismissal in 2000. So next time the police walk past and the Laurel and Hardy tune starts up, remember all the crimes of the Mariners' bigwigs – and how they always land us in another fine mess.
Labels: bolton, buckley, chesterfield, distinctiveness, fa cup, identity, laurel and hardy, league group cup, losing, notts county, police, records, rushden, uniqueness, wolves
Friday, 14 December 2007
Four Yorkshiremen and a Yellowbelly
Some people are determined that there's nobody worse off than them. This is the premise behind Monty Python's famous Four Yorkshiremen, who argue over which of them had the most deprived childhood. Rather less well known is the sequel, Four Yorkshiremen and a Yellowbelly, which ends like this:
Fourth Yorkshireman: "We 'ad to live in a shoebox, get up at two in t' mornin', work 29 hours a day down t' mill, and when we got home our dad would slice us in two wi' t' bread knife."
Yellowbelly: "You think that's bad? We 'ad to go an' watch Grimsby Town."
If you look at the balance sheets, though, there are quite a few clubs worse off than the Mariners. But debt seems to work in a strange way in football. Swindon are £5m in the red but this didn't stop them signing Chris Blackburn, Miguel Comminges, Kaid Mohamed, Steve Adams, Jon-Paul McGovern and Billy Paynter in the summer. Coventry's debt totals around £38m yet they maintain a second-flight squad of almost 30 players. And Town are pretty much unable to sign anyone because the club still owes HM Revenue & Customs about £350,000.
Another way to gauge who's worst off is to listen to football phone-ins on the radio. These don't give a very accurate picture, however, as they are invariably dominated by lengthy rants about their underperforming, poverty-stricken clubs by supporters of Fulham or Wolves.
But if you go by the league table, there are only four Football League clubs worse off than the Mariners. This is Dagenham & Redbridge's first ever season in the league, though, so they're probably enjoying it more than we are. Someone needs to tell them it starts losing a bit of its sheen after 107 years.
Lincoln are unexpectedly struggling after a string of top-seven finishes since 2003. But at least our county neighbours can take comfort from the fact that they are unlikely to suffer the heartbreak of defeat in the promotion play-offs this season.
The other two sides really are in trouble. Wrexham's former chairman tried to evict them from their ground, and then they dropped into the fourth division because of the 10-point penalty incurred by entering administration. Then they came within a week of being thrown out of the league. Still, they stayed up last season at the expense of Boston, so it's not all bad.
Probably the worst off of all are Mansfield, this weekend's visitors to Blundell Park. The Stags are still owned by the reviled Keith Haslam, who took interest-free loans out of the club and paid himself a handsome salary for running it. As they kick off tomorrow bottom of the league, many of their supporters would say he has run it into the ground.
Fourth Yorkshireman: "We 'ad to live in a shoebox, get up at two in t' mornin', work 29 hours a day down t' mill, and when we got home our dad would slice us in two wi' t' bread knife."
Yellowbelly: "You think that's bad? We 'ad to go an' watch Grimsby Town."
If you look at the balance sheets, though, there are quite a few clubs worse off than the Mariners. But debt seems to work in a strange way in football. Swindon are £5m in the red but this didn't stop them signing Chris Blackburn, Miguel Comminges, Kaid Mohamed, Steve Adams, Jon-Paul McGovern and Billy Paynter in the summer. Coventry's debt totals around £38m yet they maintain a second-flight squad of almost 30 players. And Town are pretty much unable to sign anyone because the club still owes HM Revenue & Customs about £350,000.
Another way to gauge who's worst off is to listen to football phone-ins on the radio. These don't give a very accurate picture, however, as they are invariably dominated by lengthy rants about their underperforming, poverty-stricken clubs by supporters of Fulham or Wolves.
But if you go by the league table, there are only four Football League clubs worse off than the Mariners. This is Dagenham & Redbridge's first ever season in the league, though, so they're probably enjoying it more than we are. Someone needs to tell them it starts losing a bit of its sheen after 107 years.
Lincoln are unexpectedly struggling after a string of top-seven finishes since 2003. But at least our county neighbours can take comfort from the fact that they are unlikely to suffer the heartbreak of defeat in the promotion play-offs this season.
The other two sides really are in trouble. Wrexham's former chairman tried to evict them from their ground, and then they dropped into the fourth division because of the 10-point penalty incurred by entering administration. Then they came within a week of being thrown out of the league. Still, they stayed up last season at the expense of Boston, so it's not all bad.
Probably the worst off of all are Mansfield, this weekend's visitors to Blundell Park. The Stags are still owned by the reviled Keith Haslam, who took interest-free loans out of the club and paid himself a handsome salary for running it. As they kick off tomorrow bottom of the league, many of their supporters would say he has run it into the ground.
Labels: coventry, dagenham, debt, finances, fulham, lincoln, mansfield, monty python, poverty, swindon, wolves, wrexham
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]