BEHOLD THE ROCK-O-METER! This handy new device will keep you updated on the rock levels attained by my 2006 rock and roll tour of rock from the comfort of your armchair. The Rock-o-Meter rates each gig on a scale of zero (depicted by twee fuckers Camera Obscura) to ten (symbolised by Finnish rock gods Lordi). Let's see how we're getting on so far!

Behold my roxtraordinary Rock-o-Meter rating of 9.0! The key factor behind this unprecedented level of rockage was my wearing sunglasses indoors in a dark room while on stage at Nottingham's Junktion 7. This was, in fact, necessitated by an eye injury sustained while playing with my cat, which may be the twee-est injury of all time, but never mind about that. Look! I look like a pretty version of that Lemmy out of Motorhead bloke!

photo: Hannahbobs

Also, I reckon I travelled about 570 miles in the three days spanned by these two gigs. Again, 400 of these may have been to Cardiff and back on the 28th to watch Grimsby's appalling non-performance in the fourth division play-off final, but I rock nonetheless!

For the Derby gig on Monday I attained further rock by accepting a lift home from a stranger! This is a bad thing to do if you are a young child, because terrible things may happen to you, but for a fully grown adult singer-songwriter who doesn't want to leave for the last train home because you'd miss watching Lardpony's set, it is not only relatively safe but also rocks considerably. I say a stranger; it was Jon and Loretta out of Screaming Mimi, who are another really good band from Sheffield. I've seen them play a few times but not actually met them, so I think they count as a stranger. They do rock, anyway.

The east midlands section of the rock and roll tour of rock, then, must go down as a triumphant section of quite colossal rock, prevented only from hitting a perfect Rock-o-Meter ten by the fact that I wrote my setlist for the Derby gig on the back of a Sainsbury's till receipt.

Still, at least it wasn't Marks & Spencer.